Funny Thoughts

Someone was circulating this list around at work today- I'm sure you've seen it in email before. I trimmed it down to a few that really made me laugh or nod in agreement. Happy Monday!

1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

3. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

4. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

5. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

6. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

7. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

8. Was learning cursive really necessary?

9. Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

10. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

11. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

12. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

13. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples: I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse) ..ummm …Goonies”

14. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

15. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

16. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

17. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

18. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

19. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

20. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

21. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

23. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

24. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

25. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.